Way Scarier Than Boxed Wine

All the milk we get here is what one of our Kansas-raised platoon leaders likes to call 'nuclear milk.' A lot of it is the Kuwaiti Danish Dairy company (figure that one out) or other companies with names that mean nothing to the English-speaking mind. By 'nuclear' he is referring the mysterious and unnatural process that allows the boxed milk to live well beyond the life-span of any respectable milk product, even at middle of the desert room temperatures. It doesn't taste quite right, but the available chocolate, strawberry or banana flavors disguise it well enough.

I try to drink milk at least daily, as I'm assuming is still does a body good, or whatever the American Dairy slogan was prior to 'Got Milk?' There are enough conditions here that do the body bad, I figure I ought to compensate wherever possible.

Not long ago I was partaking of one of the boxes of milk ('box of milk' still not sounding quite right) when I found the box seemingly empty *except* for the sensation of weight in the box that suggested there should be some remaining. Upon further inspection there was in fact no liquid left. 'Liquid' being the key word there. I turned the box over and heard a most ominous gentle thud of some soft solid falling in the overturned box.

It is at this point that the feeling of foreboding in my gut really started to scream for recognition.

I squeezed the box to witness something reminiscent of a play-doh factory product ooze out of the straw hole in the box forming a nauseating little mound on my tray. The following thoughts ensued:

"I..........am going.............to die.

I came to Iraq, again, and I am going to die of self-inflicted nuclear milk poisoning in a freaking Dining Facility.

Should I not die, the gastrointestinal nightmare that is bound to result will likely be worse than death itself."

As it turns out, no such death or other effects were realized at all. That either says something about that milk product or about my digestive system. Either way, I'm horrified. But not horrified enough to stop drinking boxes of milk, as has been pointed out to me by those with whom I've shared this story.

I'm sure it does a body something.